Jesus the Lesbian Healer

Since more than 50 million people are registered users of online dating sites, there's bound to be a few of you women out there who, like me, wonder why the heck you do it. What I mean is, putting yourself through all the crap, over and over again.

I think I know why it is. We want our story.

Let’s face it, at some point in your life you were seduced—a television show, a book or movie, portraying a love story so beautiful, so wonderful, and so magical that you wished it would happen to you. Perhaps still believe it will. Not just any old story, but an ultimate love story, a special moment where through a crowded room, your eyes met his and they locked, the magic instant, the chemistry undeniable, the love, inevitable.

It drives us. We all want one of those stories. We picture ourselves, one day, telling it to our granddaughter as we tuck her into bed. It’s the story she insists on being told every night. She smiles as she drifts off to sleep, and we pray that one day she has one of her own.

Going online to find mine was a fairly big step for me. I worried about the same things everyone else does—what if nobody likes my picture? What if I never get a single email?

After compiling a mental list of everything that could possibly go wrong, I had to admit, how bad could it really be? So what if nobody liked my picture? Would they actually take the time to email me to say that? Probably not. Besides, if all the men I’d been meeting in person were losers, how much worse could they be online? Surely there would be one great guy somewhere in the millions. After all, I was a great person, and my profile was there.

Everyone who's done it knows what comes next. I like to call it the reality check. It kind of goes like this:

·         You log-in and every time you do, there are so many IMs popping up you’re forced to set your status to “off-line” just to get some peace.

·         The 5’4” a few extra pound dudes who don’t meet any of your criteria, fill up your inbox and steal all your time.

·         Nobody reads your profile, so even if you say you’d never date a smoker you’ve got 15 flirts a day from those who admit they do. Key word “admit.”

Sound familiar? I thought so.

The reality is if you want your story, and you think the Internet can help you get it, you’re going to have to tough it out. Some women get lucky early in the process, but many don’t. If you think “kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince” is a cliché, think again, and think thousands. The words a lot really don’t do it justice. Oh, and I’d highly recommend avoiding the kissing part until you’ve been able to determine whether or not he’s a Penis with Potential. You know how it goes, frogs, warts, blah, blah, blah.

In the beginning, I actually thought Jesus the Lesbian Healer had potential. He lived in Chicago. Not bad, that meant a three-hour plane ride, but that’s okay. It was (and still is) a city I’ve always wanted to visit. After all, it’s home to Oprah, and hey, if it’s good enough for her, it’s good enough for me.

This particular gentleman sent me so many flirts and emails that I finally took the time to read his profile. Tall, nice looking. If the pictures were real, he was definitely fit. On the surface, everything looked good, so I replied. He got back to me the next day, and since I’m a big believer in getting to either the first phone conversation or in-person meeting as soon as possible, I gave him my number.

The good news is he was real. He actually called me the next day. Not too early, not too late. We were off to a good start right? Well, maybe.

After we spoke for less than five minutes, he told me he felt as though he was put on this earth to do something very special with his life, and that he believed he had extraordinary powers. This, I thought to myself, could only go one way. I think you know what I mean by that and I hate to admit it, but just had to go there. Oh really, so what kind of powers? I asked. After all, there are a lot of different kinds of powers. X-ray vision and being able to read other people’s minds are two that have always appealed to me. Well, that was the only encouragement he needed. He launched into a story about how he was a personal trainer, and had been working with this one particular girl for some time. She’d come to know and trust him and eventually disclosed to him that she was a lesbian. He told me that he explained to her that there really wasn’t such a thing as a lesbian, only women who have been hurt terribly by men in their lives. So, being the great guy that he was, he took it upon himself to educate her about this and convinced her that he could heal her of this terrible condition.

It’s a disease now? Anyway…

He said she eventually agreed to let him help, so one night at the gym when nobody else was there, she came, knelt before him, and he placed a hand on her forehead. A moment later, he felt this incredible flow of energy throughout his entire body. She started to weep, and when it was all over, her demon was gone. Gone, I say gone. It was a miracle, and she was healed. Lesbianism was no longer a part of her life.

Well now, go figure. I think you know how quickly and tactfully I got off the phone after that tall tale. I mean sure, it could be true, but I think I would prefer a guy who could fly. It’s just a lot more practical.

As I hung up the phone, I was pretty sure that Ashton Kutcher was going to show up at my door to tell me I’d been Punk’d, but he didn’t. Nope. It really did happen and remember—that was our very first phone call.

Clearly Jesus was not going to be my story, but that didn’t mean the next guy wouldn’t be, or the guy after that. The reality is online dating is no picnic. It’s a numbers game and you have to stick with it. Jesus, Chicken Boy, Basketball Gut from Texas, you name it, I have met it, and likely, you will too. My message to you? Don’t give up. Even if you never have a granddaughter you’ll have a ton of experience and the thickest book of funny bedtime stories ever written. As I see it, there is no way to lose.