I always wondered what it would be like to write one of those top-something lists for Cracked. So instead of sitting around wondering, I decided to write a couple for myself. I'm not going to bother going through all the hoops - send them in, wait and pray to be good enough, blah blah. Instead... let's just do this thang!
Wednesday, February 08, 2012
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
5 Really Stupid Things Women Do Online – Then Wonder Why They’re Still Single
1. Bootie-Pa-Tootie. I’m looking for a long term committed relationship. That’s why I posted photos of my nearly bare breasts as my profile picture. You don’t need to see my face, that’s not important. Oh, and here’s a picture of me in a thong, in case you and 25 million other men online haven’t seen enough of me already. This is what you wanted to take home to Mom isn’t it? My name? Why does that matter? Didn’t you see my breasts?
2. Family Vacation Package. I’m a “package deal” so I also posted pictures of my under-aged children. I did that because I’m not at all worried about child molesters or internet prowlers. I’m also the type they doesn’t have parental control software on my computer. I’m making sure you know right up front that I’m careless with my kids and their safety. Yeah, you’re right, it’s probably a fairly accurate representation of how careless I’ll be with our relationship as well.
3. The Rusty Fishing Lure. The profile starts like this. “I know that NOBODY is going to read this so I don’t know why I am spending time writing all this. Also the men on here really don’t seem to care about anyone but themselves.” The stream of unconscious negativity continues on for another 798 characters of her 800 character limit. Fine, but did anyone actually make it past the first couples sentences without wanting to slit their wrists? Not exactly what we mean by “a hook” when it comes to writing (or love).
4. We are family. All your friends swear you look like sisters. So you posted a picture of your daughter. Perfect! I’m guessing none of the guys you meet for coffee never follow up for a second date. I’m also thinking you need new friends. Time to face reality, there’s Botox for situations like this. Get a few shots and take a real picture, it’s just better that way.
5. Okay Oprah, what’ll it be this week? 135 lbs or 250? Don’t think for 1 second he isn’t going to notice your weight when you show up in person, or that he’ll like your personality so much it won’t matter what you weigh. You’re wrong and you’ll regret it. If you really have this self-deprecating need to be rejected, keep it up. My guess is, it’s working well for you.
2. Family Vacation Package. I’m a “package deal” so I also posted pictures of my under-aged children. I did that because I’m not at all worried about child molesters or internet prowlers. I’m also the type they doesn’t have parental control software on my computer. I’m making sure you know right up front that I’m careless with my kids and their safety. Yeah, you’re right, it’s probably a fairly accurate representation of how careless I’ll be with our relationship as well.
3. The Rusty Fishing Lure. The profile starts like this. “I know that NOBODY is going to read this so I don’t know why I am spending time writing all this. Also the men on here really don’t seem to care about anyone but themselves.” The stream of unconscious negativity continues on for another 798 characters of her 800 character limit. Fine, but did anyone actually make it past the first couples sentences without wanting to slit their wrists? Not exactly what we mean by “a hook” when it comes to writing (or love).
4. We are family. All your friends swear you look like sisters. So you posted a picture of your daughter. Perfect! I’m guessing none of the guys you meet for coffee never follow up for a second date. I’m also thinking you need new friends. Time to face reality, there’s Botox for situations like this. Get a few shots and take a real picture, it’s just better that way.
5. Okay Oprah, what’ll it be this week? 135 lbs or 250? Don’t think for 1 second he isn’t going to notice your weight when you show up in person, or that he’ll like your personality so much it won’t matter what you weigh. You’re wrong and you’ll regret it. If you really have this self-deprecating need to be rejected, keep it up. My guess is, it’s working well for you.
5 Really Stupid Things Men Do Online – Then Wonder Why They’re Still Single
1. Free Willy. I’m not just talking about profile names like THICK11 and BIGWILLY7 (no woman in her right mind will take that bait), but a few other things men need to cross off the “I thought it was a good idea list” include: a picture of yourself handling your dick under clothing, a picture showing an outline of a hard dick under clothing, or even just a shot of you, waist down, in tighty-whities. You might want to see a woman half naked, but trust me, women aren’t visual. If they were Playgirl would outsell Cosmo—but it doesn’t. Tuck it in, and focus on whatever else you might have going for yah.
2. Follically-Challenged. Yeah, that’s the right thing to do, wear a hat in every picture. She won’t figure it out. Not. It’s the first thing women think. It’s like lying by omission, only it’s what I call lying by obstruction. This coffee date isn’t going to go well if she’s expecting to see a little crab grass up top so take off the hat, shine it up and date women who love you just the way you are. Awwh, now isn’t that sweet?
3. Marital Status = Separated. The catch-all category for married men on the make. It’s not a totally lie, you fabricated a fight with her last night so you could get away for a couple days. That’s separated isn’t it?
4. Gumpy & Pokey. You don’t stretch so stop lying about your damn height. Not getting enough email traffic? Think she won’t notice the difference between 5’7” and 5’10”. Trust me when I say—oh yeah she will. Hence the reason why she isn’t happy and you aren’t getting laid. Look, every 7/11 and gas station has a measuring tap on the wall beside the door. This isn’t something that’s difficult to figure out.
5. She Ain’t Nothin’ But a Gold-Digga. Dude, don’t take a picture of your car, motorcycle, house, dining room table or anything else you own and post it on your profile. Seriously. Women don’t want to see all that, and if they do, they’re exactly the kind of women say you don’t want to meet. You know the song and if you don’t it’s time to learn the words.
2. Follically-Challenged. Yeah, that’s the right thing to do, wear a hat in every picture. She won’t figure it out. Not. It’s the first thing women think. It’s like lying by omission, only it’s what I call lying by obstruction. This coffee date isn’t going to go well if she’s expecting to see a little crab grass up top so take off the hat, shine it up and date women who love you just the way you are. Awwh, now isn’t that sweet?
3. Marital Status = Separated. The catch-all category for married men on the make. It’s not a totally lie, you fabricated a fight with her last night so you could get away for a couple days. That’s separated isn’t it?
4. Gumpy & Pokey. You don’t stretch so stop lying about your damn height. Not getting enough email traffic? Think she won’t notice the difference between 5’7” and 5’10”. Trust me when I say—oh yeah she will. Hence the reason why she isn’t happy and you aren’t getting laid. Look, every 7/11 and gas station has a measuring tap on the wall beside the door. This isn’t something that’s difficult to figure out.
5. She Ain’t Nothin’ But a Gold-Digga. Dude, don’t take a picture of your car, motorcycle, house, dining room table or anything else you own and post it on your profile. Seriously. Women don’t want to see all that, and if they do, they’re exactly the kind of women say you don’t want to meet. You know the song and if you don’t it’s time to learn the words.
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