Cracked - Top 5 Lists

I always wondered what it would be like to write one of those top-something lists for Cracked. So instead of sitting around wondering, I decided to write a couple for myself. I'm not going to bother going through all the hoops - send them in, wait and pray to be good enough, blah blah. Instead... let's just do this thang!

5 Really Stupid Things Women Do Online – Then Wonder Why They’re Still Single

1.      Bootie-Pa-Tootie. I’m looking for a long term committed relationship. That’s why I posted photos of my nearly bare breasts as my profile picture. You don’t need to see my face, that’s not important. Oh, and here’s a picture of me in a thong, in case you and 25 million other men online haven’t seen enough of me already. This is what you wanted to take home to Mom isn’t it? My name? Why does that matter? Didn’t you see my breasts?
2.      Family Vacation Package. I’m a “package deal” so I also posted pictures of my under-aged children. I did that because I’m not at all worried about child molesters or internet prowlers. I’m also the type they doesn’t have parental control software on my computer. I’m making sure you know right up front that I’m careless with my kids and their safety. Yeah, you’re right, it’s probably a fairly accurate representation of how careless I’ll be with our relationship as well.
3.      The Rusty Fishing Lure. The profile starts like this. “I know that NOBODY is going to read this so I don’t know why I am spending time writing all this. Also the men on here really don’t seem to care about anyone but themselves.” The stream of unconscious negativity continues on for another 798 characters of her 800 character limit. Fine, but did anyone actually make it past the first couples sentences without wanting to slit their wrists? Not exactly what we mean by “a hook” when it comes to writing (or love).
4.      We are family. All your friends swear you look like sisters. So you posted a picture of your daughter. Perfect! I’m guessing none of the guys you meet for coffee never follow up for a second date. I’m also thinking you need new friends. Time to face reality, there’s Botox for situations like this. Get a few shots and take a real picture, it’s just better that way.
5.      Okay Oprah, what’ll it be this week? 135 lbs or 250? Don’t think for 1 second he isn’t going to notice your weight when you show up in person, or that he’ll like your personality so much it won’t matter what you weigh. You’re wrong and you’ll regret it. If you really have this self-deprecating need to be rejected, keep it up. My guess is, it’s working well for you.

5 Really Stupid Things Men Do Online – Then Wonder Why They’re Still Single

1.      Free Willy. I’m not just talking about profile names like THICK11 and BIGWILLY7 (no woman in her right mind will take that bait), but a few other things men need to cross off the “I thought it was a good idea list” include: a picture of yourself handling your dick under clothing, a picture showing an outline of a hard dick under clothing, or even just a shot of you, waist down, in tighty-whities. You might want to see a woman half naked, but trust me, women aren’t visual. If they were Playgirl would outsell Cosmo—but it doesn’t. Tuck it in, and focus on whatever else you might have going for yah.
2.      Follically-Challenged. Yeah, that’s the right thing to do, wear a hat in every picture. She won’t figure it out. Not. It’s the first thing women think. It’s like lying by omission, only it’s what I call lying by obstruction. This coffee date isn’t going to go well if she’s expecting to see a little crab grass up top so take off the hat, shine it up and date women who love you just the way you are. Awwh, now isn’t that sweet?
3.      Marital Status = Separated. The catch-all category for married men on the make. It’s not a totally lie, you fabricated a fight with her last night so you could get away for a couple days. That’s separated isn’t it?
4.      Gumpy & Pokey. You don’t stretch so stop lying about your damn height. Not getting enough email traffic? Think she won’t notice the difference between 5’7” and 5’10”. Trust me when I say—oh yeah she will. Hence the reason why she isn’t happy and you aren’t getting laid. Look, every 7/11 and gas station has a measuring tap on the wall beside the door. This isn’t something that’s difficult to figure out.
5.      She Ain’t Nothin’ But a Gold-Digga. Dude, don’t take a picture of your car, motorcycle, house, dining room table or anything else you own and post it on your profile. Seriously. Women don’t want to see all that, and if they do, they’re exactly the kind of women say you don’t want to meet. You know the song and if you don’t it’s time to learn the words.

Tall Arizona Brunette Seeks Guy with Boyfriend Potential

Yup. That’s the suggestion for a profile headline that you’ll get if you watch free YouTube videos about online dating. Specifically, dating profile advice.  “It’s catchy,” says the nice lady, “describes me well, and lets men know I’m serious.”  Sigh. I’d call it just as boring as the next profile headline that will have little to no real bearing on whether or not a man will approach you online, but that’s okay.

The video goes on, and the next tip pops up. If you need help, use lines from movies for your headline. The specific example given is about a guy who once used, “Nobody puts baby in a corner.”  Now, I don’t know about you, but I had no clue what that meant. At first take, it sounds like a banner for child-abuse prevention. I certainly wouldn’t find it clever if I were surfing through men on a dating site and saw it. What? Is that a fetish reference? Turns out it’s from the movie, Dirty Dancing. Okay, is it just me, or was that movie made in 1987? Seriously folks, how old is that and who knows that line? Right. There are four of you. Shoot me, but before you do, tell me this. Did it make you spend any more time on that guy’s profile if you didn’t like his photos to begin with? Not.

Another thing you’ll hear about is being honest, not posting old or unrealistic pictures, good usernames, blah, blah, blah. Four minutes, 26 seconds of tips that are the same tips you’ll get in 100 other YouTube videos posted by self-professed “experts” of online dating.

Is it valid advice? Sure, to some extent. But what’s missing every single time is the depth. I’m not sure what qualifies all those YouTube videographers as experts so I looked it up. Merriam Webster tells me that expert means: having, involving or displaying special skill or knowledge derived from training or experience. Interesting. I didn’t know there was a UODNY (University of Online Dating, New York). Do they have a basketball team? Oh, so it’s not really derived from formal training. All right, so it must be about experience then. Let me compare. One must invest eleven to fifteen years to become a doctor in an area of specialization. It takes eight to ten years to become a judge (the expert of all lawyers). Heck, to be considered a Senior Project Manager, you have to have ten years of hands-on experience. So it seems to me as if ten years is a pretty solid number where experts are concerned.

So, I’m doing the math and thinking: If Miss 30-something there is an expert, then she must have at least ten years hands-on experience with online dating, right? So, she went online looking for love when she was 20-something, and now makes YouTube videos that you are going to follow and take as biblical advice as it relates to your love life.

Things that make you go hmm.

Here’s the thing. If you’re going to be the expert and impart advice, you have to know what online dating really is. Hands-on. You also have to explain why things are the way they are. You can tell a dog to sit, and he will. Chances are, even he knows why—because he’ll get a treat.

So let’s rewind. She mentions having a catchy headline. I say put whatever you like. Guys don’t care. They aren’t going to remember you. They’re going to bookmark or favorite you while they continue to scroll through pictures of women. It’s like fishing. They throw out a dozen lines and wait to see if they get a bite.

She mentions having good, clear, and realistic photos. I agree but there’s no depth to that statement.  I always tell my readers to have (yes... good, clear, accurate) photos that show a lot of skin, but are classy. An example might be a full-length shot in a sleeveless summer dress. Why? Because men love skin. It’s want they want most, to see us naked. They are visual. Repeat, they are visual.

She also mentions usernames. Guys won’t remember your username any more than they will your profile headline. At least not until you’re corresponding regularly through the site. Even then, your username doesn’t matter. If you’re hot in his eyes, you can be HAIRYPITGIRL, and he’ll probably think it’s cute. My only suggestion here is to stay away from booty-call names if you’re truly looking for love. BIGTITTYKITTY isn’t likely to stir up the interests of a guy looking for a long-term relationship, if you know what I mean.

Online dating isn’t a college course. You can’t get a degree in it, and you can’t apply traditional dating rules to it.  You also can’t give expert advice on it if you haven’t lived it. There are more than 50 million people on these sites, and let’s face it. It’s a freaking zoo. The bottom line is, if you’re online, frustrated with the whole experience, and looking for advice, check out the credentials of the person you choose to listen to. If there are no credentials listed, chances are, that so-called expert has none.  It’s like going to a doctor, dentist,  or any other expert you take advice from.  Do your homework. After all, this is your love life. You could very well be meeting the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. I wouldn’t call that small potatoes. It’s worth a little effort, and so are you.

Blah, Blah, Blah Dot Com

There you are, Sally-online-dater, looking for a little help. Thirty-eight years old, wondering—will it ever happen? You want a second chance at love. It seems like no matter what you try, whether it is a better photo, a new headline, or a broader search range, it doesn’t work. The guys you’re meeting, well, they just aren’t right. So, you decide to find some online dating advice.

One-tenth of a second later, you’re overwhelmed with 121 million search results. “We have the best advice,” websites, YouTube videos, dating sites, sites designed to sell you an e-book. You name it, it’s there. Great. You start to read.

About 15 minutes later, the frustration begins to set in.

You realize the information is conflicting, “Didn’t that last site just tell me the top three profile things that mattered were having a photo, honesty, and grammar? Then why is this one saying it’s a particular type of photo, a well-written headline, and a picture of my dog?” You also realize it’s repetitive: Top 10 Dating Tips for Women; Top 4 Dating Tips for Women; Top Dating Tips for Women. The information quality and relevance appear to be fading before your very eyes, along with your interest.

You also realize what’s bugging you is that it’s the same old, same old everywhere you go. Boring delivery of information that appears to be cut and pasted from one site to another. Lots of content, no substance.

Item to note: “Offer Quality Content and Services” is a section in Google’s book about search engine optimization. Therefore, it behoves these website owners to fill the site with article upon article. Are they really thinking about you and your love life? Well maybe, but you might be a close second to website stats, the ability to monetize the site and well, the hopes and dreams of selling it all to Google one day for a couple billion. I’m not saying it’s true. I’m just saying it. 

So, what do you do about all these blah,blah,blah.coms?

Let’s get back to the fundamental problem. You, and the fact that very little of this information deluge is helping you find the love of your life. I won’t go into all the details of how to create a profile, what kinds of photos, what to say, etc. That’s all in my book. Chances are what you have posted right now is fine. What I’m going to talk about here is the overarching issue I think you might have, (yes, myself included) when it comes to finding love.

Q. Why do you, a smart, attractive, affluent, women between the ages of 35 and 45 have such a hard time finding a good man online?

A.    Because you waste too much of your time searching for, chasing or trying to keep the wrong man.

That’s it. Simple. It’s not because your profile isn’t perfect. It’s not because there aren’t single men online. You know there are because you’ve had coffee with at least 50 of them. So what’s the problem? Well, it goes like this. “I just didn’t feel any chemistry with him.” Translated to plain English, what you are really saying, but aren’t because you were raised to be a nice girl is, “I couldn’t ever imagine his dick in my mouth. Yuck.”

You based your decision on a crotch reaction. The very thing we always blame men for—thinking with their small heads. Crotch-based decisions almost always result in you wasting a heck of a lot of time with a guy who meets some, most, or all of this criteria:

·         He’s really good looking, and he knows it (despite what he may say).

·         His cell phone never stops – emails, texts, phone calls.

·         If you checked around, you’d probably find him on multiple dating websites, possibly even using the same photo because he’s never once made a commitment to you.

·         He’s exciting to be around, which is odd because you rarely do anything but have sex and watch TV.

·         He ignites what I call the female adren-ella. You feel more womanly when you’re with him than you do/have with any other man.

·         He’s typically an alpha male type.

·         If he’s more of a metro, then he’s alpha in metro clothing. There’s a basic instinct thing going on.

·         He’s got some kind of career going: politician, lawyer, engineer. He’s no high school drop-out with 3 kids and 3 baby-mommas or he wouldn’t have even come up in your search.

·         He’s the kind of guy who could have any woman, and not only does he know it, you do too.

·         For whatever God-forsaken reason, sex with this guy is always great.

You may not be consciously aware of it, but there’s a very good chance that SIXPACKJACK above, is the one you are looking for. You and 25 million other online single women. Looks, chemistry, money, good career, loves walks on the beach, dogs and will totally commit to you. Special you.

Not 6’2”? Delete. Doesn’t make $100,000 plus? Delete. Isn’t going to break my heart? Delete.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you aren’t special. Of course you are, and you deserve all of the above times ten, but let’s think about this and how real it might be. Also, I should point out, I’m absolutely not the pot calling the kettle black here. I’ve had crotch relationships. It’s the way life goes, and they can be fun—for awhile.

Let’s try something new. Before you go and adjust your profile photo, change your headline or broaden your search criteria, I want you to do a little, one weekend survey. It goes like this:

Observe couples and pay particular attention to the men. Make a physical list, pen and paper. Rate the men on a scale of 1 to 10. Think about all your married friends. Go to a professional level sporting event. Go to the mall. Check out your local Home Depot. Consciously look for married men who, when you look at them, don’t stop to get your number. Remember, I’m talking about married men, men who like to be married and act as though they want to stay that way. You know, the kind of guy you say you want.

What this test will do for you is raise your consciousness. What the average married guy looks like. What average married couples look like. Your online dating expectations against reality perhaps?

Yeah sure there are a few SIXPACKJACKs around, and some are even married, but if your criteria is so narrow that you wouldn’t even consider a coffee date with NICEGUY4U then you could be missing out on what you say you really want. Sometimes it’s not about adjusting your profile at all. Sometimes it’s about knowing exactly what your goal is, and aligning your actions with that goal. So... do you really want love, marriage, a long-term relationship with a guy who won’t give his number out to women doing surveys in Home Depot? Or are you going to stick with crotch-based decisions, and short-term relationships with a bunch of SIXPACKJACKs and their perpetually single competitors? Obviously, it’s your call.