There you are, Sally-online-dater, looking for a little help. Thirty-eight years old, wondering—will it ever happen? You want a second chance at love. It seems like no matter what you try, whether it is a better photo, a new headline, or a broader search range, it doesn’t work. The guys you’re meeting, well, they just aren’t right. So, you decide to find some online dating advice.
One-tenth of a second later, you’re overwhelmed with 121 million search results. “We have the best advice,” websites, YouTube videos, dating sites, sites designed to sell you an e-book. You name it, it’s there. Great. You start to read.
About 15 minutes later, the frustration begins to set in.
You realize the information is conflicting, “Didn’t that last site just tell me the top three profile things that mattered were having a photo, honesty, and grammar? Then why is this one saying it’s a particular type of photo, a well-written headline, and a picture of my dog?” You also realize it’s repetitive: Top 10 Dating Tips for Women; Top 4 Dating Tips for Women; Top Dating Tips for Women. The information quality and relevance appear to be fading before your very eyes, along with your interest.
You also realize what’s bugging you is that it’s the same old, same old everywhere you go. Boring delivery of information that appears to be cut and pasted from one site to another. Lots of content, no substance.
Item to note: “Offer Quality Content and Services” is a section in Google’s book about search engine optimization. Therefore, it behoves these website owners to fill the site with article upon article. Are they really thinking about you and your love life? Well maybe, but you might be a close second to website stats, the ability to monetize the site and well, the hopes and dreams of selling it all to Google one day for a couple billion. I’m not saying it’s true. I’m just saying it.
So, what do you do about all these blah,blah,blah.coms?
Let’s get back to the fundamental problem. You, and the fact that very little of this information deluge is helping you find the love of your life. I won’t go into all the details of how to create a profile, what kinds of photos, what to say, etc. That’s all in my book. Chances are what you have posted right now is fine. What I’m going to talk about here is the overarching issue I think you might have, (yes, myself included) when it comes to finding love.
Let’s get back to the fundamental problem. You, and the fact that very little of this information deluge is helping you find the love of your life. I won’t go into all the details of how to create a profile, what kinds of photos, what to say, etc. That’s all in my book. Chances are what you have posted right now is fine. What I’m going to talk about here is the overarching issue I think you might have, (yes, myself included) when it comes to finding love.
Q. Why do you, a smart, attractive, affluent, women between the ages of 35 and 45 have such a hard time finding a good man online?
A. Because you waste too much of your time searching for, chasing or trying to keep the wrong man. That’s it. Simple. It’s not because your profile isn’t perfect. It’s not because there aren’t single men online. You know there are because you’ve had coffee with at least 50 of them. So what’s the problem? Well, it goes like this. “I just didn’t feel any chemistry with him.” Translated to plain English, what you are really saying, but aren’t because you were raised to be a nice girl is, “I couldn’t ever imagine his dick in my mouth. Yuck.”
You based your decision on a crotch reaction. The very thing we always blame men for—thinking with their small heads. Crotch-based decisions almost always result in you wasting a heck of a lot of time with a guy who meets some, most, or all of this criteria:
· He’s really good looking, and he knows it (despite what he may say).
· His cell phone never stops – emails, texts, phone calls.
· If you checked around, you’d probably find him on multiple dating websites, possibly even using the same photo because he’s never once made a commitment to you.
· He’s exciting to be around, which is odd because you rarely do anything but have sex and watch TV.
· He ignites what I call the female adren-ella. You feel more womanly when you’re with him than you do/have with any other man.
· He’s typically an alpha male type.
· If he’s more of a metro, then he’s alpha in metro clothing. There’s a basic instinct thing going on.
· He’s got some kind of career going: politician, lawyer, engineer. He’s no high school drop-out with 3 kids and 3 baby-mommas or he wouldn’t have even come up in your search.
· He’s the kind of guy who could have any woman, and not only does he know it, you do too.
· For whatever God-forsaken reason, sex with this guy is always great.
You may not be consciously aware of it, but there’s a very good chance that SIXPACKJACK above, is the one you are looking for. You and 25 million other online single women. Looks, chemistry, money, good career, loves walks on the beach, dogs and will totally commit to you. Special you.
Not 6’2”? Delete. Doesn’t make $100,000 plus? Delete. Isn’t going to break my heart? Delete.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you aren’t special. Of course you are, and you deserve all of the above times ten, but let’s think about this and how real it might be. Also, I should point out, I’m absolutely not the pot calling the kettle black here. I’ve had crotch relationships. It’s the way life goes, and they can be fun—for awhile.
Let’s try something new. Before you go and adjust your profile photo, change your headline or broaden your search criteria, I want you to do a little, one weekend survey. It goes like this:
Observe couples and pay particular attention to the men. Make a physical list, pen and paper. Rate the men on a scale of 1 to 10. Think about all your married friends. Go to a professional level sporting event. Go to the mall. Check out your local Home Depot. Consciously look for married men who, when you look at them, don’t stop to get your number. Remember, I’m talking about married men, men who like to be married and act as though they want to stay that way. You know, the kind of guy you say you want.
What this test will do for you is raise your consciousness. What the average married guy looks like. What average married couples look like. Your online dating expectations against reality perhaps?
Yeah sure there are a few SIXPACKJACKs around, and some are even married, but if your criteria is so narrow that you wouldn’t even consider a coffee date with NICEGUY4U then you could be missing out on what you say you really want. Sometimes it’s not about adjusting your profile at all. Sometimes it’s about knowing exactly what your goal is, and aligning your actions with that goal. So... do you really want love, marriage, a long-term relationship with a guy who won’t give his number out to women doing surveys in Home Depot? Or are you going to stick with crotch-based decisions, and short-term relationships with a bunch of SIXPACKJACKs and their perpetually single competitors? Obviously, it’s your call.
