Jesus the Lesbian Healer

Since more than 50 million people are registered users of online dating sites, there's bound to be a few of you women out there who, like me, wonder why the heck you do it. What I mean is, putting yourself through all the crap, over and over again.

I think I know why it is. We want our story.

Let’s face it, at some point in your life you were seduced—a television show, a book or movie, portraying a love story so beautiful, so wonderful, and so magical that you wished it would happen to you. Perhaps still believe it will. Not just any old story, but an ultimate love story, a special moment where through a crowded room, your eyes met his and they locked, the magic instant, the chemistry undeniable, the love, inevitable.

It drives us. We all want one of those stories. We picture ourselves, one day, telling it to our granddaughter as we tuck her into bed. It’s the story she insists on being told every night. She smiles as she drifts off to sleep, and we pray that one day she has one of her own.

Going online to find mine was a fairly big step for me. I worried about the same things everyone else does—what if nobody likes my picture? What if I never get a single email?

After compiling a mental list of everything that could possibly go wrong, I had to admit, how bad could it really be? So what if nobody liked my picture? Would they actually take the time to email me to say that? Probably not. Besides, if all the men I’d been meeting in person were losers, how much worse could they be online? Surely there would be one great guy somewhere in the millions. After all, I was a great person, and my profile was there.

Everyone who's done it knows what comes next. I like to call it the reality check. It kind of goes like this:

·         You log-in and every time you do, there are so many IMs popping up you’re forced to set your status to “off-line” just to get some peace.

·         The 5’4” a few extra pound dudes who don’t meet any of your criteria, fill up your inbox and steal all your time.

·         Nobody reads your profile, so even if you say you’d never date a smoker you’ve got 15 flirts a day from those who admit they do. Key word “admit.”

Sound familiar? I thought so.

The reality is if you want your story, and you think the Internet can help you get it, you’re going to have to tough it out. Some women get lucky early in the process, but many don’t. If you think “kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince” is a cliché, think again, and think thousands. The words a lot really don’t do it justice. Oh, and I’d highly recommend avoiding the kissing part until you’ve been able to determine whether or not he’s a Penis with Potential. You know how it goes, frogs, warts, blah, blah, blah.

In the beginning, I actually thought Jesus the Lesbian Healer had potential. He lived in Chicago. Not bad, that meant a three-hour plane ride, but that’s okay. It was (and still is) a city I’ve always wanted to visit. After all, it’s home to Oprah, and hey, if it’s good enough for her, it’s good enough for me.

This particular gentleman sent me so many flirts and emails that I finally took the time to read his profile. Tall, nice looking. If the pictures were real, he was definitely fit. On the surface, everything looked good, so I replied. He got back to me the next day, and since I’m a big believer in getting to either the first phone conversation or in-person meeting as soon as possible, I gave him my number.

The good news is he was real. He actually called me the next day. Not too early, not too late. We were off to a good start right? Well, maybe.

After we spoke for less than five minutes, he told me he felt as though he was put on this earth to do something very special with his life, and that he believed he had extraordinary powers. This, I thought to myself, could only go one way. I think you know what I mean by that and I hate to admit it, but just had to go there. Oh really, so what kind of powers? I asked. After all, there are a lot of different kinds of powers. X-ray vision and being able to read other people’s minds are two that have always appealed to me. Well, that was the only encouragement he needed. He launched into a story about how he was a personal trainer, and had been working with this one particular girl for some time. She’d come to know and trust him and eventually disclosed to him that she was a lesbian. He told me that he explained to her that there really wasn’t such a thing as a lesbian, only women who have been hurt terribly by men in their lives. So, being the great guy that he was, he took it upon himself to educate her about this and convinced her that he could heal her of this terrible condition.

It’s a disease now? Anyway…

He said she eventually agreed to let him help, so one night at the gym when nobody else was there, she came, knelt before him, and he placed a hand on her forehead. A moment later, he felt this incredible flow of energy throughout his entire body. She started to weep, and when it was all over, her demon was gone. Gone, I say gone. It was a miracle, and she was healed. Lesbianism was no longer a part of her life.

Well now, go figure. I think you know how quickly and tactfully I got off the phone after that tall tale. I mean sure, it could be true, but I think I would prefer a guy who could fly. It’s just a lot more practical.

As I hung up the phone, I was pretty sure that Ashton Kutcher was going to show up at my door to tell me I’d been Punk’d, but he didn’t. Nope. It really did happen and remember—that was our very first phone call.

Clearly Jesus was not going to be my story, but that didn’t mean the next guy wouldn’t be, or the guy after that. The reality is online dating is no picnic. It’s a numbers game and you have to stick with it. Jesus, Chicken Boy, Basketball Gut from Texas, you name it, I have met it, and likely, you will too. My message to you? Don’t give up. Even if you never have a granddaughter you’ll have a ton of experience and the thickest book of funny bedtime stories ever written. As I see it, there is no way to lose. 

A Different Kettle of Fish

Online dating isn’t the same as traditional dating, and it irks the heck out of me when I see what I absolutely know is a traditional dating advice column spun to fit online dating. Search and replace “dating” with “online dating.” No, no, no. It doesn’t work, at least not until all the emails, texts and other forms of online communication are over and you’re sitting side-by-side on someone’s couch, the woman invariably thinking, “Where is this all going?” Then, and only then, is it traditional dating.

For example, meeting for the first time. If you didn’t meet online, you probably met some other more traditional way. Your friends set you up, you work together, you go to the same church, belong to the same club, or live in the same neighbourhood. That could be the reason why you met at the park while your kids were on the swing set. In other words, you met before you decided to meet (for a first date). There was some kind of screening process that already took place. Your girlfriend assured you that even though he’s less than 5’6”, lost all his hair and is stocky; he’s very nice, has a good job, a well-trained dog and owns a home. Okay, first BIG difference. That’s reliable information coming from a trusted source and it’s real. If you go online DOGLOVER4U here is probably 5’9” (easy to blame dyslexia for that mistake), wearing a ball cap  in every cropped-at-the-waist picture, and categorizes his weight as  “athletic.” All this, brought to you by Mr. Fancy Dating Site Owner with the expensive prime time commercials. Uhm... and you trust him more than your long-time friend? This is what I’m talking about.

When you flirt, email, text, phone, then decide to meet, you have to realize that you really still don’t know anything about the person you are meeting for sure. Yeah, yeah, some people are honest, even if I was to go so far as to say 80 percent of people on dating sites are honest (insert throat clearing noise here) there are still MANY that aren’t. Twenty percent of  50 plus million is still millions of dishonest people. Get my drift?

So... right from the get-go, online dating is different. When you head out the door to Starbucks to meet someone for the very first time, you are painfully aware that this is someone you have never laid eyes on, someone who doesn’t go to your office, church, supermarket, or friend’s houses. This someone could look so entirely different from his  pictures that you don’t even recognize him.

In traditional world, DOGLOVER4U may have only been 5’6”,  but you knew that, so when you saw him get out of the car, you weren’t surprised. Also, because you’re 5’4” this totally wasn’t a problem. Perfect. In online dating world DOGLOVER4U is still 5’6” but you’re 5’9” and were hoping he’d at least be your height. After all, that’s what his profile said.

Uh-huh.

So when you finally do sit down for a coffee with Danny Devito, what’s going on? Well, I can tell you this. It’s not about getting to know each other better. More often than not, it’s about assessing whether or not that person is who he or she said he was. I can’t put a number to it, but a whole heck of a lot of online dates end when the first empty paper coffee cup hits the trash can. Why? Because people just aren’t who they claim to be online.

Back to traditional world and the guy you already met, know, know of, talked to in church, did a charity bottle drive with last weekend, or agreed to meet on the advice of Helga, the family matchmaker. This meeting is different, it’s an actual date, the kind where you get to know each other better. The kind where, despite what you’re actually doing, the undertone is, you are checking each other out and sharing thoughts on important things—values, morals, kids, religion. There’s no saying this won’t end when the coffee cup is empty, but it’s different.  Maybe even less judgmental, after all, with online dating, and before the paper cup hits the bottom of the trash can, there are 10 more “flirts” in your inbox.  Plenty more where he came from, check please!

There’s no one way, right way, or perfect path to love.  It’s important to try all the different options. Just be wary of the advice you follow. I personally think the best approach is to apply logic and trust your instincts. You know the old saying, “if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.” There’s nothing I can add to that. All I can say is that I wish you the best, and if you do hook up with DOGLOVER4U, I hope he is as decent in person as he appears online. I hope the in-person chemistry is off the charts. I hope his house resembles a castle, and most important, I hope he chooses you and deletes the other 10 flirts.

Singledom, Christmas and Skid Mark Underwear

If you’re single, then you know exactly what I’m talking about – Singledom, the little town across the stream from Coupledom. Being from Singledom means that if you get an invitation to a party in Coupledom, they probably feel sorry for you. Being from Singledom means Christmas alone. No presents, no mistletoe, one stocking, and nobody to snuggle with beside the fireplace.

It’s not bad enough that you’re from “the wrong side of the tracks.” To rub it in your best friends at eHarmony, Match and some weird registration increasing site called Zooks, plaster their ads all over the TV during prime time hours. Hey, you! Are you sitting on the couch alone, again? Loser. Come join our site and you’ll be having drinks with all your happy friends in Coupledom.

Watch the ads but as you do, remember this. They know that you are sitting there, with your cat, alone. They know what TV shows and stations you watch. They also know that you’re female, and can be easily swayed by your emotions. They dig deep, and I mean REAL deep to come up with “actual members” who are presentable enough for TV. They create commercials that would have you believe you could meet a guy like Blake over here, tonight.

Of course the Blake you will find on their site will be as dashing handsome as the guy on TV. He’ll be totally into you and without question, he’ll be a Penis With Potential. Yup, for only $119.95 (for 3 months) all your problems will be solved. You’ll have your ticket to Coupledom, guaranteed. Not only that, we will match you on not 1, but 29 different dimensions! Feel like a Rubik’s cube yet?  I always wondered why dating sites who claim to offer such good matches require you to purchase a minimum 1 month membership. In theory, I should be able to sign up, answer all the question, click “submit” and bingo – out comes Blake. That takes what? 1 Hour? If an online dating site could really produce the results they advertise, shouldn’t you be able to register by the hour? Think about it.

There’s no accounting for chemistry says the big man with the fancy commercials. And you know what? He’s right. And for $119.95 for 3 months there is also no accounting for the pictures that are posted. They can “verify” someone’s address and age (by cross-checking credit card information obtained upon registration) but that’s about all. Blake could be Homer Simpson in real life and you’re not going to know it until you’ve invested time and energy into email and phone conversations. Then what happens? Well, he shows up at Starbucks and you notice that the beer belly enters the building about 2 minutes before the rest of his genetic magnificence catches up.

Blake, my ass.

So, whatever will you do? Well, let’s think about this. In Singledom you might feel lonely a few times a year. For me the two events I often think may be better celebrated in Coupledom are my birthday, and the Christmas/News Years season. Everything else, though, if I have to admit it, is pretty okay in Singledom. I mean I get to do whatever I want. No skid-mark underwear one the floor waiting for ME to wash it. Nobody sitting on my couch when I get home from work, feet up on the coffee table, remote control in hand, expecting ME to cook dinner. No one telling me I can’t jump on a plane tomorrow and go shopping all weekend in LA. Most importantly, there is nobody there who believes that they get to take 50% of everything I own when the relationship ends because he couldn’t “keep it in his pants.” Yeah. Think about that!

So the question becomes, is Singledom really all that bad just because it’s Christmas? Is it so unbearable that I need to jump up right now? Pay a bunch of money. Meet a guy who won’t look anything like Blake. Get disappointed and start the whole process all over again? No. You just sit tight girlfriend. Don’t let the big man and his fancy commercial force you to part with your money. Don’t make any hasty decisions you might later regret. A better idea for the $119.95 is a new Coach bag from the closest outlet mall. You’ll feel good, look great and have something you can actually bring to a party without feeling embarrassed.

The point is, hang in there. It’s only a week and there are worse things that can be happening to you. Don’t focus on what you don’t have, focus on what you do.

Diane, I will not feel sorry for myself because it’s Christmas and I am single. I realize that there are many things to be thankful for. Therefore I promise I will not forget:

·         I am not a woman in Afghanistan. Phew.

·         I am healthy, strong, independent, free to earn a good living, speak my mind and vote.

·         I am not dying or starving (unless by choice – one must always fit into that little black dress).

·         The grass isn’t always greener and Coupledom doesn’t guarantee I won’t be lonely.

·         $119.95 can buy me a lot of handbag happiness!

·         There is no skid-mark underwear on my floor.